Thursday, March 16, 2006

The Transformed

I woke up this morning around 5 and started typing this at 7:00 am. I guess I went to sleep around 2. This is normal now for Wednesday night to Thursday morning. I go to the doctor on Thursdays and it gives me anxiety. I don't know what else I could actually loose by being diabetic. Well, there are always limbs.

The problem is more me being treated like I am sick by everyone all the time than anything else that bothers me. My doctors treat me as if I am more capable of running my everyday life than the family that is around me. Most friends here don't understand what the problem is. They think I should just be doing whatever. And when they see the tube coming out of my stomach they say I am not being honest. But before such visual signs of my disease, refusing a beer was somehow being inhospitable.

I just keep my distance now in most cases.

One day they will age and something will happen to their bodies. My "something" just happened when I was 23-years-old.

At 5 am, I just watched television. I am totally transfixed by Soledad O'Brien. I heard more stuff about the war. We are going to invade Iran soon (that is what I think). Probably before July. I wonder what the world is saying, I have not read German, British or French papers in a month of Sundays. Will look at them later tonight.

I finished the documentary on the penis performers. Great! The view of the Australian countryside/outback is great. There were shots of them going through a brush fire (bush fire) in the middle of the desert. Makes me want to take that trip to Arizona (or maybe the Texas pan handle). Or maybe Australia itself. Australian racial tension has me a bit nerve racked though. There is something about it I don't understand. I understand the Klan. I now understand German stuff. But raging beach bums?, not sure about that context. You gotta know where, when and how to cover your ass in certain situations. The world is not all the same, despite a theorectical language that reduces experience to terms of agency, transgression and the marginalized. I tell my students that all the time.

Mom cooked breakfast this morning. She is going to the gym while I am with the doctor. Then we will go somewhere together. She wants to do something I am sure. Last week it was curtain shopping and a movie, this week, I don't know. She does look and feel great after her retirement. I can tell. All my family and friends think that she is amazing.

I do too.

I will think she is even more amazing when I move out. LOL

She is turning into my grandmother with all of her rituals and taste. I remember that my grandmother became this person after retirement too. Gosh, I was so small. Maybe it was 1980 or 81. Mom had a discussion about things that happened in 1984 this morning. She was apologizing for something that happened during the divorce or something like that. That was 22 years ago! And that was my exact response to her -- "It was a long time ago."

She smiled.

I just loaded my insulin pump.

I will inject the catheter after I shower, it is better that way.


No comments: