On Nurses, Cars and Pretty Little Young Things

OK.

I am skipping my appointment with my nurse today because I am not in the mood. First, I was dropped from my insurance, and second I have not done my blood sugars 4 times a day like am suppose to. So to pay 150 dollars out of pocket to have her bitch at me and be frustrated and for me to be frustrated is not happening today. That's that.

Second. I get to see my doctor on the 27th. I will pay 150 dollars to see him and to take my hemoglobian A1C test. That is good enough for me right now.

Also today I take Miss A to look at cars. One of the black nationalistic lesbians (THE PEOPLE) that I know got a brief stint at Car Max. She is leaving for Atlanta on Saturday and breaking up with her other half. The Car Max lesbo asked me yesterday to take care of her Wine Expert lesbo while she was gone. I said yeah I would. It broke my heart. They have been together for 6 years. It seems to be the theme of the last couple of years with most of my friends. Other friends I have are making babies. They can get along with convention, it is not contradictory to their nature, their innate sense of self. I wonder sometimes what that is like. I wouldn't give anything to be anything other than me. But to have the right sexual orientation, race, family name, etc . . . it must be pretty orgasmic. Then again, there are many rich kids that deal with the suicide of a parent, the absence of a father, loneliness . . . it could just feel like the movie Home Alone. Trapped in a secure world.

When I was in Germany a someone told me, "We (my friends) are all trying to live in this different way but just don't know how." I thought that was profound.

Anyway. Miss A is a beautiful woman from Brazil. She just got divorced and used to live in Barcelona. Now she is in Nashville . . . weird no? So she needs a car for 6 months then she goes back to Barcelona to go to graduate school. I don't know where this is going romantically, she is interested in another man, I am interested in dating this other guy, but I do get that feeling . . . the feeling to lead . . . when I am with her. She is a little distraught, and a little tired, and busy trying to figure out the Americans like when I was busy trying to figure out the Germans. She has that look in her eyes. I turn into a big hunter gatherer when I am with her and she is responsive. I am getting this car for her because I would like to make sure she is OK. I don't know if it is a feeling of husband and wife, friend, guardian angel . . . I don't know. But I like the fact that I can be honest with her about everything. And we can be friends so, why not leave it at that. Plus we speak Portuguese now and then. She will need help today for sure, a little translation. I gotta work on my verbs. Man so much to do.

I asked the boy that I kissed on Christmas Eve to go out with me on this evening. I want to go see King Kong again. I really want to see Munich, but I am afraid the English might be too much. King Kong is more visual. I don't know what he wants from me and my Spanish is not good enough. I am getting frustrated, because I am an affectionate and attentive person when it comes to getting attactched. He does not show any affection during work, which seems unfair. Straight people do all the time. Time will tell. The latino machismo is heavy in the resturaunt and the way they look at us (boys who like boys) puts most people (other gay folk) on guard. I don't care. You can tease me, just don't use the feminine pronoun, article or ending near me. I am a man, first and foremost. But anything concerning dick, ass, ass pounding, crushes on the dishwasher. . . I don't care.

I don't care if they pinch my butt, but I usually do it back. Sometimes they protest, sometimes they don't. Its like being in a lockerroom.

Otherwise. Gotta go to the gym, maybe before work. Gotta blender for shakes. Then, I gotta get my resume ready again. Got my rejection letter from the last application. Don't think the job was meant for me. Nashville is just not meant for me in general. I think a good number of my friends are depressed here. It is its normalcy combined with the whole gospel and country music thing . . . it just eclispe so much of the identity of the city . . . people are forever scrambling to make something else like rock, rap, heavy metal, etc . . . survive. We will have to wait and see what happens.